I can’t quite put a finger on what I’m feeling right now. It’s pretty funny because I have so many feelings. Sometimes I think I have too many. I think and feel all day long. And wonder why others aren’t feeling as much as I am. But right now I feel happy, comfortable (sometimes you just have to clarify that this isn’t a sad story) …and this is why.
I think what’s been on my mind has a lot to do with love and respect. How you can’t always expect it from others, so it’s important to give it back to yourself.
This tweet from Rebecca Schinsky has stuck with me since I saw it last week: Do men ever feel that they’re making the choice between being liked and being respected, or is that a pleasure reserved for women?
But I don’t want to choose. I want both. And since quite often it doesn’t go that way, I’ve been taking over and just doing it. Love and respect myself. I’ve been doing this my whole life but now it seems even more important. Some may think this is a given, something natural, but it’s something we all don’t do enough. It doesn’t just happen. It takes time and consideration. Some may think I’m selfish, and to that I say, so what? I’m kind to others, I work hard, and I have the great pleasure of only answering to myself at the end of the day. Why don’t I deserve to be a little selfish? What do you care?
So I cook cheese and carb loaded meals for myself. I watch marathons of The Fosters. I dance around in my bra and underwear to Britney Spears and count it as my work out. I cry just because I need a cry. I stay longer with a friend because seeing her smile makes me smile. I cancel plans so I can go to yoga because I need that time on the mat. I write in my journal instead of here on my blog. I go to bed at 9pm sometimes. I eat cake in bed and indulge in fabulous dinners at pricey restaurants with friends. I’m not waiting around for happiness or love or respect to show up on my doorstep. These are things I create for myself.
You could assume then that I’m hard, closed off, bitter. But I’m not. I’m ridiculously vulnerable. Maybe its counterintuitive but like I said, I have all the feelings. Really, all of them. I leave my heart open even though I know it might get taken advantage of. It’s not that I’m not learning from my experiences, but my optimism kind of just overrides everything else. Sure sometimes it makes reality suck so much more, but I wouldn’t trade my optimism for anything.
Does this even make sense? My point is just that even though it feels we have to, let’s try not to choose one or the other. Love and respect – for yourself and others. Make time for it. Prove that it means something and goes a long way. (Especially in spite of those who don’t understand.) You are worthy. You are awesome. You have all the tools to make life count and find joy. /cheesypeptalk